Feral Councillors!

by Durruti Column

IT's deeply worrying to hear that Greater Manchester has one of the highest rates of hospital admissions with malnutrition* in England, 1.5 times higher than the national average. Learning that there were 588 hospital admissions in our area with a primary or secondary diagnosis of malnutrition in 2015/16, a rate of 21 per 100,000 people, compared to a rates of 15 per 100,000 across England.  These shocking statistics naturally drew me to the scandalous plight of many of our councillors, many of whom are forced to seek out alternative sources of nutrition to bulk out  their obviously insufficient tax payer subsidised post meeting buffets.   Persistent reports that councillors near delirious with early onset malnutrition  have resorted to scavenging from local restaurants to prevent starvation keep surfacing on social media. '

'You can hardly move at the local soup kitchen for councillors pan handling for a bowl of soup and a roll - where are they all flocking from ?, reported one regular Food Bank user who did not want to be named , adding '   It's time the government or Bob Geldof stepped in with another Live Aid!  Shocking reports of aggressive town centre begging by councillors without portfolio has led some to believe that the councillors expenses are quite obviously inadequate and need an immediate public inquiry and recalibration.  'You can see the poor souls staggering out of local public house racked with exhaustion and overwork.  One of them does a whole three hours work every other week .  The lovies are so tired that they keep falling asleep in meetings.  If it wasn't for the expenses form being passed round and waking them up at the end of the meetings some of them would be there all night.   I don't know how they manages to keep going?   ‘Some of the poor dears barley manage to get into a restaurant more than four or five times a week it's a wonder they aren't forced into spending their own money sometimes', said a town centre zero hours contract cleaner.

One shamefaced councillor who wish to remain anonymous described an ugly incident behind No.1 Riverside last week when a pack of feral councillors intimidated local beggars away from the closely located supermarket food skips.   ‘There's  just not enough dustbins and food skips in the town centre to supply demand any more.   It's a ghetto out there - it's us or the street beggars !', she added through clenched teeth. Few people realise just how difficult it is becoming for our poor local councillors to survive in a such a highly charged and  toxic competitive environment.  It's been reported that some town centre street corners have two , three , sometimes more, individuals cynically competing in trying to extort more money from the public purse.

'Your average professional parasite hardly get a look in any more because of these new arrivals.  Councillors cornered the market on conning the public out of their hard earned cash for decades and we deeply resent these newcomers stealing our pitches', complained another tearful and near destitute councillor of twenty years standing.  'Peoples priorities have all gone astray.  I've three full time jobs , remuneration from a dozen committee posts and the lucrative income from housing benefits on several dozen properties to scrape by on yet the local proles would still far rather donate to feed the hungry kids of a frozen single mum sitting in the rain who's been sanctioned for being two minutes late at the job centre than subsidise meals for us decent hard up councillors!  What's wrong with 'em !  It's a diabolical liberty!    Some of us have been using the same sob story to voters for decades without any public scrutiny and we don't see why just because the towns social fabric is collapsing around us that our personal gravy train should be jeopardised.   It'll end in communism you mark my words!'.

Distressingly reports that some of our local councillors have been forced by dire circumstances and near destitution into working for a living although highly unlikely can not be discounted altogether.   A recent public service announcement warns locals not to give cash to any hungry or dishevelled councillors who may wander into the town centre delirious with hunger.   'Don't give public handouts to councillors', said a spokesperson , ‘It will simply feed their addiction.  They can't help themselves - Universal Credit and destitution is good enough for the majority of our hard working dedicated town centre beggars.  Councillors are no different and it really is time they started contributing to our local economy rather than expecting repeated public handouts'.

If you see a councillor aggressively demanding more money from the public purse in a public area.  Do not approach them - and most certainly do not vote for them since this will only encourage their recidivist anti-social behaviour - Keep calm and remember that a new Public Space Protection Order is in force to protect innocent members of the public from serial scammers & fraudsters.

* malnutrition

NOUN: lack of proper nutrition, caused by not having enough to eat, not eating enough of the right things, or being unable to use the food that one does eat.